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<blockquote>If men’s kindnesses toward women were really only kindnesses, a man would be pleased if another man or woman offered these kindnesses to him. He would be pleased if another man or woman lit his cigarette or pulled out his chair for him. He would be pleased to derive his income, prestige, power and even his identity from his partner. He would take pride in another man’s or woman’s offer to walk him to his car at night. But in fact, “one of the very nasty things that can happen to a man is his being treated or seen as a woman, or womanlike." -- Frye 1983</blockquote>
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'''You should be flattered''' is an excuse used for sexist incidents, in particular for [[sexualized environment]]s or [[Online harassment|harassment]] incidents, in which commentary on women's appearance (usually) is defended as being complimentary to the women.
 
'''You should be flattered''' is an excuse used for sexist incidents, in particular for [[sexualized environment]]s or [[Online harassment|harassment]] incidents, in which commentary on women's appearance (usually) is defended as being complimentary to the women.
   
 
This excuse is problematic because:
 
This excuse is problematic because:
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* it ignores that random sexual comments tend to stem from asserting male power and control over women, not good-will
* it attempts to dictate women's emotional responses to them, in particular perpetrating the idea that women are socially obliged to be pleasant and accommodating
 
* it reminds women that they are subject to men's approval (see [[Grunch]])
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* it reminds women that they are subject to men's approval (see [[Grunch]]), and implies the "flatterer's" right to express their opinion aloud is more important than the "flatteree's" feelings
 
* it attempts to dictate women's emotional responses to them, in particular perpetrating the idea that women are [[Play nice|socially obliged to be pleasant and accommodating]]
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* it places the blame on women for responding negatively to what is wholly inappropriate conduct for many contexts, such as professional communities
 
* it reminds women ''who aren't the object of the comment'' that they are also subject to men's approval
 
* it reminds women ''who aren't the object of the comment'' that they are also subject to men's approval
 
* it ignores the fact that many women have had negative experiences with sexual attention, such as immediate or eventual criticism or violence, and therefore do not view it with unmixed (or any) pleasure
 
* it ignores the fact that many women have had negative experiences with sexual attention, such as immediate or eventual criticism or violence, and therefore do not view it with unmixed (or any) pleasure
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* it makes non-straight women feel particularly marginalised
* focusing on women's attractiveness contributes to feelings of [[exceptionalism]]
 
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* focusing on women's appearance contributes to feelings of [[exceptionalism]] and conveys the judgement that [[Beauty duty|a woman's interests and expertise are less valuable than her attractiveness]]
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* it is often defended with dismissive [[False equivalence]], such as "well ''I'd'' be ''overjoyed'' if I got catcalled!"
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== Incidents ==
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== Responses and commentary ==
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* Comic: [http://www.tickld.com/x/next-time-someone-says-women-arent-victims-of-harassment-show-them Commentary on why street harassment is about control, not flattery]
 
[[Category:Excuses for sexist incidents]]
 
[[Category:Excuses for sexist incidents]]
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[[Category:Silencing tactics]]

Latest revision as of 19:48, 18 June 2015

If men’s kindnesses toward women were really only kindnesses, a man would be pleased if another man or woman offered these kindnesses to him. He would be pleased if another man or woman lit his cigarette or pulled out his chair for him. He would be pleased to derive his income, prestige, power and even his identity from his partner. He would take pride in another man’s or woman’s offer to walk him to his car at night. But in fact, “one of the very nasty things that can happen to a man is his being treated or seen as a woman, or womanlike." -- Frye 1983

You should be flattered is an excuse used for sexist incidents, in particular for sexualized environments or harassment incidents, in which commentary on women's appearance (usually) is defended as being complimentary to the women.

This excuse is problematic because:

  • it ignores that random sexual comments tend to stem from asserting male power and control over women, not good-will
  • it reminds women that they are subject to men's approval (see Grunch), and implies the "flatterer's" right to express their opinion aloud is more important than the "flatteree's" feelings
  • it attempts to dictate women's emotional responses to them, in particular perpetrating the idea that women are socially obliged to be pleasant and accommodating
  • it places the blame on women for responding negatively to what is wholly inappropriate conduct for many contexts, such as professional communities
  • it reminds women who aren't the object of the comment that they are also subject to men's approval
  • it ignores the fact that many women have had negative experiences with sexual attention, such as immediate or eventual criticism or violence, and therefore do not view it with unmixed (or any) pleasure
  • it makes non-straight women feel particularly marginalised
  • focusing on women's appearance contributes to feelings of exceptionalism and conveys the judgement that a woman's interests and expertise are less valuable than her attractiveness
  • it is often defended with dismissive False equivalence, such as "well I'd be overjoyed if I got catcalled!"

Incidents

Responses and commentary