Apologies

Apologies are often requested or expected after a sexist incident.

Good apologies

• Recognise that someone was hurt, and in what particular way they were hurt
• Accept responsibility for it, whether intended or not
• Promise to avoid doing it again, or at least to work on it

Bad apologies

• Do not recognise that someone was hurt
• Don't show an understanding of the particular nature of the hurt caused
• If hurt was caused, do not accept responsibility for it
  • I'm sorry if you were offended is a common bad apology, which deflects responsibilty onto the "offended" party
• Attempts Derailment by talking about a tangential issue
• Deflects blame onto another party
• Deflects blame onto the person who was hurt

Examples of apologies

Good apologies

Acme::Playmate incident

After the Acme::Playmate incident, Adam Kennedy offered an apology which:

• Recognised the hurt caused
• Accepted responsibility
• Promised to do better

The core of his apology (which contained a longer contextualising introduction) was:

Foremost, to all the women who were present in the audience for the talk I would like to publicly and unreservedly apologise for the subject, content and delivery of the talk.

In particular, that I added the image DESPITE knowing it would be shocking to you was utterly stupid on my part. I completely misread how badly it would be taken.

I SHOULD have recognised immediately that the talk would have had a stronger impact, and created feelings of being singled out from your peers solely due to gender, or feelings of being unwelcome in the room. And in one case I'm aware of, of creating a fear about being in the room itself for a minute or so.

With two younger sisters of my own, I cannot express how guilty I feel that I might be responsible for creating anything like that "walking alone at night" feeling for you, especially in a conference environment where there are already so few women, and in which you should be welcomed with open arms.

Secondly, I would like to publically apologise to the organising committee, and to the sponsors.

You already have far too much to do organising a conference of this size and you have all contributed so much to make it happen and to make it a success.

I'm terribly sorry I dropped this situation in your lap when you REALLY didn't need it, or in the case of the sponsors for anything I may have done to bring you into disrepute.

I can assure you all I won't be delivering anything like that at any future conference. I've learned my lesson.

Bad apologies

Flashbelt

Hoss's so-called apology for his Flashbelt slide show was perhaps the best example of how not to do it.

• Offers a version of "I'm sorry if you were offended":

"It was wrong for those people to have been exposed to this content without their consent. For this, I take full responsibility and offer my sincere apologies to the audience members that were affected"

• Gives extended examples of people who weren't offended, or supported his presentation -- negating the views of those who were hurt.
• Says that nobody approached him directly at the conference to complain, diverting responsibility onto those hurt to respond in a way that he sees fit.
• Asserts that he is neither sexist nor misogynist.
• Apologises for/excuses his statement, "If you're easily offended, fuck you", by saying he was on (prescribed) drugs
• Deflects responsibility onto the conference organisers and attendees who, over the years, have encouraged him to become increasingly crass
• Equates those asking for an apology with racists and lynch mobs:

"I suspect this isn't the lie-down-and-kick-me apology that the lynch mob is looking for and some will continue their mission for blood. These are the people that wrote tweets and comments with the line “I wasn't there but...” in them. We all know the ignorance of people who use the lines “I'm not racist but...” and “I'm not sexist but...”."

• Deflects, again, by blaming those asking for an apology for ruining his career
• Finally, wraps up with another take on "I'm sorry you were offended", without having recognied or taken any responsibility for the hurt he caused.

"Once again, to Courtney and the other men and women in the audience that took offence to my presentation, I apologise unreservedly. I really do hope we can now turn this into a debate that creates a positive outcome."

EMACS virgins joke

After the EMACS virgins joke, a blogger named Lefty emailed Richard Stallman requesting an apology.

Richard's apology:

• Does not recognise that someone was hurt
• Attempts Derailment by focussing on the religious parody rather than the issue at hand
• Deflects the blame back on the people asking for an apology

"I do not believe I owe anyone an apology. I did not insult or attack them, but it is clear some people are attacking me. I think I am being criticized unjustly criticized, and I feel I have been wronged."

SurveyFail

See: SurveyFail

• Ogi apologises by insulting fandom some MOAR (by pine on DW)
• How not to apologize (by piranha on DW)
• http://sendaianonymous.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/delete-delete-delete/

Further reading

• On Apologies by Matt Zimmerman